I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
the world’s most popular steaming services
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?