Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
i’m laughing very hard in real life
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera