doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
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Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?