mmm onion ringos
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I am yelling
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.