Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
is this store having a stroke wtf
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Midwest trash talk
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.