Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats