7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*