*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
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If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
new record!
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My what?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
This cat wants you to take your pills
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.