It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen