[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Pandas 🐼🖤
So that’s what we looked like?
How can I say no to this ?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.