If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”