[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
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Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.