Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.