My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
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My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
and now we wait
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions