[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.