me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15