elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
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My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help