Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Ferrari squats
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.