Meat Cute
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂