Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you