[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Remember folks 😂
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to