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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
cry laughing at this shit
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.