i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
? 💀
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.