When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Today’s Times
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”