[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
yeah 😭
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Who called it baking and not making love
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.