Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
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My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.