“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
😂😂
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.