Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
You Might Also Like
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink