2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Sex so good you see dead people.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
What kind of a cult is this?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.