Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
sounds kinky. i’m in.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.