SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Imma just leave this here…………
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.