I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
This is me
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving