Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You Might Also Like
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Perfect
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
This dude got his own movie?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?