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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Super Hand Dog Face
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.