Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans