Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
#NoRestForTheWicked
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.