There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
This makes total sense…
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM