Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!