All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
britain’s three elite institutions
i smell a pulitzer
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Time for evil
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs