I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.