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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.