Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.