A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
courtroom exchange of the day
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat