Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Tremendous stuff
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.