My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I believe the plural is “milves.”