Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider đ
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakiraâs hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You donât have to swear this one in
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t goâ
W: Itâs too late, you canât change my mind
M: âbefore Iâve written him a quick âThank You & Good Luckâ note
W: I despise you
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Everytime someone says that token sentence âlet me know if I can do anything for youâ praying you donât ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. đ
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. Theyâre both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because Iâm âimportant but not that importantâ and my life story finally has a title.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY