Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.