movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.