thank god
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus