You Might Also Like
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.